Abuse – Fiery K. Tarot

walk away they say, and I pretend
I don’t know what they mean
walk away they say, and I wonder
but will I be clean?
walk away, gently, walk away
walk away they say, repeating
themselves, and are dismayed
by my lack of attention, annoyed
in this point of contention
I know that I need to turn around
but I am moved by compulsion
one I cannot seem to name
I am moved by the habit of years
by the movement of tears, by the
trickle of fears, fickle or not
one after the other, in the night
in the day. I wake in the night, saying
“don’t touch me, don’t touch me”
I cry in the night, begging
“don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me”
dream I plunge a knife deep in
his heart, and cannot stop, and
cannot stop. I am evil in this
dream. Get some sleep they say
but I know it’s best if I don’t
just trust they say, but
I know that I won’t
walk away? I think but I
am surrounded on all sides
I have no place to hide
walk away they say, and I pretend
I don’t know what they mean.

There is no dignity in begging
In begging someone not to hurt you
In begging “please”
In begging forgiveness
In pleading for your own safety
A safety that ought to be yours by right

There is no dignity in fear
In the unreasonable, unspeakable, gut
Wrenching fear
And the panic that comes
When they can do anything to you
And you can do nothing

There is no dignity in being screamed at
Like a child
In being degraded before others

In having strings pulled
Like a puppet

There is no dignity in the fear
That clutches at your heart when
They say “we’ll talk about this later
In that tone of voice
And you think they mean in bed
Suddenly terrified
At that point
You would rather throw yourself
In front of a train
Than displease them further
So you shut up
And you do as they say

There is no dignity, no humanity in someone
Other than yourself
Having complete and utter control
Over the ratios of pain and fear in your life

There is no dignity in being a wife.